I should be studying right now. But I am not. Far too much is running around in my head right now to concentrate on the topic of collective behavior I need to learn for my sociology test. Or stuffing my brain full of history terms and dates. So I will write. Maybe I'll calm down a bit.
A while back I called my mother on the way back from class to explain the condition of my foot. Again. When I called the evening before it was after eight so the phone ringing probably woke her up. She has Multiple Sclerosis and her memory is fading fast. The conversation we had confirmed this. As I recall it went like this:
-Hey. How are you?
-Yeah? Are you walking back from class?
-Yeah...so I heard from dad you need me to explain what's up with my foot again?
-Yeah. So it's not better? Did you see the foot doctor from out of town? Is he gonna let you run?
-No. Fractures don't heal in two weeks. Yeah, I saw the orthopedist. He doesn't determine wether I run or not. The doc here does.
-So you are still on the team?
-Yes. they aren't gonna kick me off half way through an injury. They actually do care about me...
-Uhuh. so are you gonna keep running?
-Yeah, eventually. Not on the team, though. I broke. Doc said one more break and I can't run.
-Oh, but I really want you to run.
Yeah, so do I... I thought.
-I will run again. on my own. at my own pace. so I have a body left by the time I am thirty.
-Oh. I don't want you to be injured!
I let the acorn I was squeezing in my hand drop on the asphalt and roll into the storm drain. Talking with her is like talking to wall. No, walls don't answer back with ridiculous questions. Or ask the same ones. I decided to change the subject before I had to start repeating myself.
-So mom, did you get my text message? (I was calling her on the house phone)
-No! Ooh, let me go read it!
I had sent her a text saying, "happy anniversary. thanks for making me a legitimate child." or something along those lines.
-"Oh shit! Today is our anniversary! I completely forgot! Dad blammit all. I didn't say anything to your father this morning!
-yup. today marks the 23rd anniversary of your marriage.
-That is just awful What if Paul* (my dad) gave me a card tonight and I had nothing for him?
-Then you'd have nothing for him, feel like crap, and so would he.
-I better make a card.
-That would be a good thing to do. Especially if you think he is getting one for you.
-Oh wow. ohhh wow...I can't believe I forgot.
-Somehow I can... but don't worry that's why I am here. in case the fact I am your daughter isn't enough. I will leave a sticky note on your bathroom mirror to remind you when it's the day before Christmas.
I think she missed the sarcasm in the last one. She has never been able to understand it. too bad I am fluent in it. I often wonder why I am so sarcastic. Maybe because humor masks sorrow and anger? Probably. I've been using sarcasm since I learned what it was. That is scary. An elementary schooler sad and angry. Nah, I probably thought it was cool until it did in fact start to satisfy my need to release the negative emotion I felt. That was sixth grade. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. The first time I realized the world wasn't all good.
In one way, though, her diagnosis was the best thing that has happened to me. It was then I began to pray. Both my parents are Christian, but we never went church save Christmas and Easter. The cancer was caught very early on thanks to her regular mammogram check up. She was going to be fine after her mastectomy. No chemo or radiation needed. When she did come out of surgery just fine, I knew God was real. No one else could make her better so quickly. I prayed every night. I prayed about lots of people. My mom first, a prayer of thanks. For other ill family members, for friends. I didn't really pray for myself. I was doing just fine. And honestly, all things considered, I was doing okay in sixth grade. I was going to school, dealing with middle school drama, dancing, and wanting to be like everyone else. I was pretty typical.
Well that will do it for tonight. I think I have calmed down enough to tackle Mathlusian theory and whatnot. And history. maybe.
*I am changing names in the blog to keep anonymity for both me and the others I will speak about in the future.